As I am writing this, you are 14 days old. I know I should’ve written this sooner. “Better late then never” is not ideal but sought after since you’re born.
It was 2 am in the morning, mom and dad were still venting at each other on little things that troubled us. I had disagreement over how she spends her time, so did she. We were going no where with the heated argument. We decided to held our end of tongue and call it a night, it was going to be endless. She needed the rest, so do I, whom just got back from badminton night.
Things weren’t a breeze, less likely to be easier.
Sharp 3.50 am, your mom woke up and went to the loo. She felt like laying a brick in the middle of the night. By 4 am, she was on the bed. It was her first scream that woke me up. She was in pain, it was the beginning of the first of the many major contractions to come. I was helpless, all that I could do was put her head on my chest and stroke her hair trying my best to calm her down.
The contractions was coming it at every 5 minutes. Yes, there’s an app for that.
It happened the nights before, but soon the pain dissipated into the night. We thought it was just a false alarm. At 4.20 am, after 4 big contractions, we decided to get help from your grandparents. I explained to them what mommy was going through and they told us to make our way to the emergency ward. Luckily we have pre-packed labor essentials, change of cloths for everyone including for you.
We arrived DEMC at 4.45 am, mommy was immediately taken to labor room while I went to park the car. It was really tough leaving her side even for a mere 5 minutes. I wanted her to know that I’m there if she ever needs me.
Around 5 am, I was back into the labor room witnessing every contraction mommy is having. It felt like a stab in the heart. All that I could tell her was to either breathe deeply or calm down. The storm isn’t over, in fact, it’s just starting. At this point of time, I couldn’t help but to replay the argument we had the night before. I should’ve stopped myself when I had the time to. We all have demons in us, just a matter curbing it.
Before we went into the labor room, we made a birth plan, lists of instructions to the doctor and nurse. It was really helpful as I can focus on calming mommy and the nurse could stop asking us questions every now and then. Mommy wants epidural, I have no objection towards that. It will cost more, but if that means it’ll reduce her pain, why not?
The nurse checked mommy at 5.30 am, her cervical opening was at 5 cm. So this is not a false alarm. Mommy’s patience was nearing the tipping point. One minute she’s in pain, the other she was ok. I wish I could bear the hardship, but God wired us this way. I was right beside her all the time, praying that she’ll be alright. Like any noob, I am panicking, but I try my best not to show it.
At 7 am, the anesthesiologist came in and gave mommy epidural. If the previous pain was at 10 and 10 being the most painful, she now feels at about 8. Which was still painful. Nurse checked again, it was at 6 cm around 8 am.Â The nurse informed us, usually it’s about 1cm opening per hour. We were expecting to start pushing at 11am.
As God has His way, at 9.30 am you were ready to leave the womb that you’ve been living in for the past 9 months. The nurse were nothing but helpful. All that I could do was, look at mommy in the eye and tell her, everything will be ok. And sometimes, I’d just dab the sweats on her forehead. She was immersed in pain, I doubt she could tell what she was thinking or seeing. All eyes on her.
Every 5 minutes she gave a hard push. I counted every single one of them and still could remember vividly how she looked like. As eloquent as she was, she became a monster, bulldozing pass through anything in her path. She was different. But I know, this is the lady that I married and she’s bearing my kid and having me beside her meant the world to her. So no harsh words, gushing blood nor painful agonizing scream could deter this spirit of mine (no, mommy does not swear).
Your hair was clearly visible through the tight space. Once in a while, your skull appeared. Every single push made us closer to you. Truthfully, I was scared, scared that I might not be a good dad, might not be able to provide everything you want or make the best time for you, worst if you have 9 fingers, broken limbs, or little imperfections. At this point of time, I knew we should’ve done the 5D scan sooner.
The genealogist came in at 9.15 am. She told us that we need to push harder as we are nearing the 1 hour mark, which means your head will be pulled by forceps or vacuum. Neither of us wants that for you. So for 10 minutes, your mom battled it out. I must admit, I have never seen mommy as strong as that. Though she was in constant pain, she pushed really hard. I took a peak and saw your head. *Boooofffffttt* you fell on the bed as if your were spitted out. You cried immediately for 5 seconds until you were placed on mommy. You opened your eyes (not like you can see anything) and gave us the warmest look. We are you parents Sara, and we love you so much. Welcome to the world, Sara. This is your first victory.
After witnessing this magical event, I immediately texted my mom. I apologize for all the hardship I have caused her.
I gave you a good azan and I hope that it rings well in your head.
You were 15 minutes old.
Mommy is now recovering from labor, but not at the desired pace. Her emotion is everywhere, slow physical recovery and losing weight about 200 grams per day, not really a good sign. I want you to know that mommy sacrificed her body and soul for you and that she’ll go through leap and bounds over and over for you. Caring for you is nothing but cumbersome. You pooped outside your nappy a lot of time, you want susu every hour, you want us to comfort you, basically you drained our energy and resources. On contrary, we have never taken this chores negatively. We loved every minute we spent time with you.
The first night was troubling. We had very little sleep and mommy had to learn on the spot how to breast feed you. We thanked YouTube for the crash course but it was still a tall order to climb. You were hungry, mommy was tired and I’m panicking in my own way. Took us a few hours before we could latch you on properly.
Your first time in your own crib.
This is the sign you make when you want nenen. You look pale, which also means you could have jaundice. The symptoms were there, yellowish eye ball and face, you didn’t want to feed a lot and you seemed lethargic. We waited 7 days, then your pooped turned yellowish, which means you are withdrawing your bilirubin through feces and urine. That was a great relief.
I love taking care of you, even if you pooped on me … a lot.
Sara, our wish and hope for you is simple, be a happy girl and that is literally the meaning of your name.
ps: NoktahHitam: Di balik awan mendung, ada cahaya gemilang.