Noktah Hitam » Jokes

Typo On Android

NoktahHitam — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:29:39 +0000

There was a question asked, “Why don’t Android users get typo like iPhone”.. Well.. they do! Hahaha

Confused: Minister or Comedian

NoktahHitam — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:25:50 +0000

I think I confused myself. Hahaha.

How to Steal A Car with RM 8

NoktahHitam — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:28:42 +0000

I had nefarious thought on Sunday while waiting for my car to be washed while reading HBR. Apparently, you can steal a car with just RM8.

The car wash place around my housing area has a warung nearby, about 2-5 minutes walks (depending on how fast you walk or cat walk). Normally, customers would just drop their key at the counter or sometimes leave it in the car. The operator usually (99% of time) parks the car to washing (wet) bay or interior cleaning (dry) bay.

Most of the time, customers would walk over to the warung for an evening tea. This is where the loop hole starts. Once the car is done, the worker usually hangs it on the pillar.

Anyone can claim the car when it’s done. Just give RM10, tip the worker with the change and you could drive home an Estima. But if caught, I don’t know what’ll happen to you.

Thank God, I’m not so desperate.

Extreme Cheesy 6 Pizza

NoktahHitam — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 17:22:19 +0000

For as long as I can remember, I loveee CHEESE! Especially Danish Blue Cheese. And I don’t say it because I want to win. If you’ve got the time, seriously, try this Extreme Cheesy 6 Pizza. The taste alone will explode in your mouth!

Special Thanks to AisyahRozi for being my partner in crime. It was one hell of birthday outing and present. I couldn’t ask for more!

I’m crazy about Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!

Disclaimer: We didn’t steal anything! And we really went to the art gallery beforehand.

ps: The prize is RM 2,000 cash! I want a new lens!

The Art of Exaggeration

NoktahHitam — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 05:54:05 +0000

Girl: I miss my little sister.
NH: Where is she?
Girl: She went for umrah along with the whole family.
NH: When she gets back, ROGOL her.
Girl: WTF?

I don’t deny that most of us (from my secondary school) exaggerate adjectives and nouns. It makes it more dramatic and appealing. Adding more color to emphasize the sentence. Another classic example,

C*LANAT SEDAP GILE ICE CREAM NI!

But then again, some might misinterpret. And by rogol, I mean wrestle. Not stick something in her. I guess it’s only safe to use it among ourselves (among my secondary school mates).

ps: Why do I keep forgetting to write about my badminton racquet?

Hari Ini Tidak Cuti

NoktahHitam — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 08:29:34 +0000

I woke up late today no thanks to an all night conversation I shared with a certain someone, the general term is called,Bergayut. With whom, I don’t need to disclose.

It’s 9 30 am and I was barely awake and eyes semi-opened. Everyone was at home. It’s a holiday for Wilayah Persekutuan. A colleague of mine called.

“Hey bro, are you coming to meeting at 10?” he asked.

“Dey thambi, today is holiday lah” my mouth reeked the smell of a morning breath. It wasn’t nice and I was still yawning & stretching.

“It’s only KL lah bro, do come to the meeting and don’t be late. We have a new CPE (Commitment Plan & Evaluation) for 2010. You must arrive at 10.” he hung up.

*Shit!* Tak cuti! Tidakkkkk.. I showered and got ready as quickly as I could. It’s been a while since I pushed Jenny to 170kmh. It does feel good when no one is on the highway. A normal 45 mins daily affair became a 15 minutes ride.

10:05 am, I reached office.

“Jom meeting bro,” I rang my peer’s extension.

“Bro, boss is on leave lah. So meeting cancelled,” he replied calmly.

Siaaallll.. I just wasted 12.5 liters of petrol for nothing. Anyway, it’s good to be in office. Even when they don’t really need me (I’ve met my KPI [Key Performance Index] by 400% last month). I am one darn efficient machine. Deep down I know, I was born for this job. I hope I don’t get bored before my time is up.

ps: Golf is the only thing I think of nowadays. I guess it’s true what they say, “Golf is like a drug, you’ll want more.”

Puan, Awak Rabun ke Ape?

NoktahHitam — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:39:09 +0000

It was a hot sunny Saturday afternoon, I lay in my room semi nude reading through an old edition of Auto Trader. “I have to go out”, I told myself, I was just that bored. Despite the piercing sun, I grabbed a few of dad’s clubs and my black leather glove. I’m going out to hit some balls and maybe improve myself in the process. Yes, golf is a drug I’m addicted to.

I arrived shortly, thanks to fully charged Jenny.

I wore a black cap which I found on the rear seat (I have no idea to whom it belongs to) and took all the necessary equipments. Unlike other golfers who brings their whole set, I travel light, so 4 clubs is good enough.

Once I got the ball from the counter, I glanced through, searching for an empty spot. When all of a sudden a makcik screams from a far, FAHRIN AHMAD. Her high pitched scream forced me to squirmed my eyes in agony. With an eye open, I looked the other way around, wondering, who is this Fahrin Ahmad guy. (I’d be lying if I told you I don’t know who he is, well, I think I know).

“Eh Eh, buat tak nampak plak. Dah lama awak main golf?”

The next thing I know, she was standing before me.

“Kak, mana Fahrin Ahmad?” I asked her.

She stared at me, analyzing my face per dot inch. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood still while keeping an eye on her as she swindled right to left.

“Oh, salah orang!” and she left.

What the Faaaaaaaaaa….

Either that mak cik is delusional or she forgot her glasses. I think it’s the latter. Anyway.

ps: A silent reader of mine is getting engaged this March. I’m so happy for you babe, but that also means another soon-to-be-missed friend. Oh well

What Is Your Name?

NoktahHitam — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 17:51:36 +0000

Over the course of one month, my trip so far with the current company is a blessing in disguise. Suffice to say I am enjoying my time being in the corporate world despite having to travel 40km to work every day.

It’s a norm to roam floor to floor, introducing myself as a new addition to the company. Nothing much, just wanted to understand the organization as a whole before I lube my gears.

“You’re new here!” a lady who passed by said.

“Yes I am.” I replied quickly, I didn’t want to hold the lift any longer.

“What is your name?”, she asked

“Edwin”, short and simple, I replied, trying hard to end the conversation.

She stopped and looked at me from head to toe, as if something was wrong with my attire. With a finger pointed at me she asked, “Are you a muslim?”

“Yes, Melayu lagi“, I smirked generously.

I always get this question often. I used to be offended, but not anymore. I guess I am comfortable tossing my real name around.

“Sabah or Sarawak?”, with a confused face she asked and still pointing at me.

“Nope, born and raised in KL”. And there goes my ride to 11th floor.

“Owh. What a modern name!” she looked like she digested the info.

“Yup. In case you’re wondering, saya orang Jawa“, I added.

“That explains it! See ya around Edwin ”

The FAQ remains the same, am I a muslim/malay and either I’m a Sabahan or Sarawakian no matter where I go. That includes meeting clients. What to do, I guess my dad was way beyond his when he thought about my name. It’s late, so I’ll tell you how I got my name in my next post.

ps: Just got back from lepak with Blowie, Qiilans87 and Aenaz. Time to sleep!

Pakcik Jaga Nepal

NoktahHitam — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 13:40:19 +0000

On normal working days, I’d park my car around the office compound. Almost all the time I was greeted by the friendly Nepal guards, “Morning Boss”.

To be reasonably humble, you can’t just reply with “Morning”. You must initiate a short conversation. The routine is, “Sudah makan?”. Their usual response is “Sudah” and followed by a smile that stretches from ear to ear. The same question echoes whether I got back from lunch or meeting, without fail, I’d ask the same question and get the usual reply.

Over the pass 4 weeks, it has become a muscle brain for them. Even without saying anything, they’d say “Sudah” and I’d smile in return.

Today I arrived early.

I locked my car and walked towards them. From afar, they raised their hand, much like saluting Hitler. As I passed them, I asked my routine question, only this time, with a slight of improvisation.

“Sudah BERAK?”

“Sudah”, he answered confidently with a huge grin.

“Bagus!” with my hand covering my mouth, I giggled my way up the slope. PWNED!

It took him a few seconds to digest. By then, I was already at the main entrance. He turned and shouted, “BOSS, SAYA BELUM BERAK” and we laughed horribly loud.

ps: The guys smoking outside the entrance was rather puzzled when the guard shouted those impolite words.

pss: Tomorrow, I’ll buy them lunch, to make up for me ridiculing him.

That Red Cherry Lip Balm

NoktahHitam — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:53:58 +0000

I always carry with me a red-cherry flavored lip balm no matter where I go. I’m not exactly vain, but I like my lips wet and I hate licking them (it could send the wrong type of signal).

As I was strolling along my new work place (dashing from floor to floor meeting people), I couldn’t help but play with my balm. Open cap, close cap. The cycle repeats infinitely.

“Edwin, you pakai lipbalm?” a hot babe asked. I smirked. It’s the new age, everyone wants to look good. And no exception to me, plus, I’ve always been the sales oriented type of person. So looking good is a plus point.

“Pelik tengok lelaki pakai, I pon tak pakai.” she added.

“You nak sikit?” I replied.

She blushed and pretended we never had the conversation.

ps: Be careful when striking a conversation, it might hit you back.

The Edward Cullen

NoktahHitam — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:54:29 +0000

I think we’ve already established that I don’t read fiction, period. So this friend of mine, who’s into the Twilight series persuaded me to read the book. She said it’s an eye opener, a must read and mind stimulating.

Her efforts were way off. But that did not dampened her spirit. So she took another approach, she started bribing.

“Sugar coated doughnuts?” – Nope.

“RM50 to finish cover to cover?” – Nope.

“All you can eat sushi?” – Sounds good, but no.

“Thornton’s Chocolate?” – (they only sell this in the UK), still no.

“Come on, I’m sure we can work up with some sort of scheme here.” No matter what the temptation was, she could never lure me into reading that book. To me, vampires suck blood, rape and kill, end of story. No lovey dovey in between.

“I’ll call you Edward!”

“HELLLOOO? Thanks but no thanks. My real name is already as good as Edward.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have Cullen as your surname.”

“I like my dad’s name. Makes me feel grounded with my Javanese origin”

“Ok, so you’re a Javanese Vampire?”

“Sekejap. Wouldn’t that make me a kuntilanak or pontianak (localized vampires)?”

“EDDIIEEEE! You’re hopeless!”

Thank you.

ps: If you keep feeding these writers, I’m sure one day they’ll come up with a book about Frankensteins, zombies, or any monster… in love.

pss: What’s the point of reading a best seller for 3-4 days if you can watch it in 2 hours? Yeah, don’t waste my time.

‘I’m going to tell my son the worst swearword in the world’

NoktahHitam — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:48:08 +0000

Funny story, read on.

My eight-year-old son, Joel, comes into my office to ask if there’s a worse swearword than fuck. “No,” I say.

There’s a silence. “You’re lying,” he says.

“There’s none worse than fuck,” I say.

Joel narrows his eyes. “I know you’re lying,” he says. He leaves the room.

On Saturday I take Joel to Chessington World of Adventures. What a crappy theme park! None the less, we have a wonderful day together.

“You’re a great dad!” Joel says as we drive home.

“And you’re a great son!” I reply with a magical twinkle.

We smile lovingly at each other.

“There is a worse swearword than fuck, isn’t there?” says Joel.

“Yes, there is!” I say, still with a magical twinkle.

“What is it?” asks Joel.

“It’s c…” I begin. I stop. “Uh,” I say.

“Tell me,” says Joel. “I swear this is just for me. I’ll never use it. I just need to know. I will never use it on anyone. I swear. Just tell me.”

I feel clammy and hemmed in. “And you won’t tell Mum we had this conversation?” I say.

“I promise,” says Joel. “Mum will never know.”

There’s a silence. “I can’t tell you,” I say.

“Tell me,” says Joel.

“I can’t,” I say.

“Then why did you almost tell me?” Joel yells.

“Because I wasn’t thinking responsibly!” I yell. “I was swept up in the magic of the moment.”

“You have to tell me,” Joel says. “It’s only fair.”

“Uh,” I say. “I, uh… I…”

I look around the car. For some reason we have an old can of Italian lemonade down on the floor.

“It’s limone,” I say.

There’s a silence.

“Limone?” says Joel.

“That’s the worst swearword of all,” I say. “Limone. But I’m holding you to your promise that you will never use it. OK? Never.”

“Limone?” says Joel. He seems disappointed.

“There’s nowhere to go after limone,” I say. “Limone is the Everest peak of swearing.”

Joel looks out of the window.

“You know,” I say, wisely, “sometimes the mystery is better than the knowing, wouldn’t you say? Sometimes the journey is better than the destination. Anyway, don’t tell Mum.”

We reach the house. Joel rushes inside.

“Mum!” he yells. “Dad told me the worst swearword of all! I know what it is! Limone!”

My wife, Elaine, appears at the top of the stairs, an inscrutable expression on her face. I shrug, anxiously.

A month passes. We go for a weekend away. At the hotel, a boy on a tricycle crashes into Joel.

“Limone,” mutters Joel under his breath.

Another month passes. Joel has a friend round for a sleepover. At 11pm I hear them talking. They’re saying, “Limone” in awed whispers.

“I feel terrible about this,” I say to Elaine. “I’ve tricked my own son. I’m going to tell him that limone isn’t a swearword, and is in fact the Italian word for lemon.” I pause. “I’m going to tell him the actual worst swearword in the world.”

“You are not!” says Elaine.

“I’d rather he was foul-mouthed and accurate than see him like this,” I say. “All because of my stupid, stupid slip of the tongue in the car on the way back from Chessington World of Adventures.”

“You are not going to tell Joel the worst swearword in the world!” Elaine yells.

And so I don’t.

Today, Joel comes into my office. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” I say.

There’s a silence.

“Anyway, I’ll see you later,” says Joel. He goes to leave. Then he turns around.

“Oh,” he says. “Cunt.”

Jon Ronson, The Guardian, UK

Tick Tock Tick Tock

NoktahHitam — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:35:25 +0000

*Teet Teet* Unlocking my phone with my face flat on the pillow, I was wondering what time it is.

It’s 5.00 am. I’ve been rolling around for 4 hours. It was dreadful. Even an insomniac tablet can’t help me take off. Urggh, I need to learn to shut my brain. STOP THINKING AND SLEEP! YOU’VE GOT A MEETING AT 9am!

*sandwiched my head with 2 pillows*

I passed out. The last time I checked the clock was 6.05 am. Good 2 more hours of sleep.

25 minutes later, a couple of knocks landed on my door. My lovable-living-alarm-system (mom!) never fail to get me off the bed at 6 30am. Now I can’t sleep anymore, I might as well work or do some light reading drawing.

Current record, 7 hours on the bed and still wide awake.

ps: I need a horse tranquilizer. Anyone here a Vet?

Tayang Makanan Depan Orang Puasa

NoktahHitam — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 23:26:51 +0000

I feel like imitating, just like Bong and Syam imitates NajibRazak tweets.

* * * Start * * *

Korang tahu tak, kalau tayang-tayang masakan kat blog boleh dikira berdose?

Eddie bukan ape, Eddie pernah terlintas juga di kepala, bloggers yang tayang-tayang makanan macam KNizam dan AzmanIshak, tak takut dose ke? Jadi untuk nak elakkan dikelentong, Eddie pergi tanye Imam kat Masjid lepas solat jemaah A’sar di Au2.

Lepas sembahyang, pelan-pelan pergi bisik kat Imam tu. “Tok Imam, saya ade soalan agame.” Die pandang Eddie dengan muke terkejut. Ye lah, Imam tu baru 23 tahun, Eddie ni dah 26 tahun, tahap wajib kahwin, terkejutlah die bila kite panggil die ‘Tok’.

Lalu Eddie ceritakan permasalahan yang dihadapi. Bukan ape, kadang-kadang bace kat Google Reader, terliur pon ade juga walaupun dah besar panjang.

Tok Imam tu pon menceritakanlah, sebenarnye entri pasal makanan di pasar ramadhan bukan tak bole, boleh, tapi jangan bagi orang terliur. Ape ke jadah Tok Imam ni? Oxymoron betul. Dah kalau tangkap gambar ayam percik, mestilah tampak sedap! Kalau tak nampak sedap, takde la orang buat Live Blogging! Aissh, pening Eddie dibuatnya.

Jadi kesimpulannya, kalau nak tayang gambar ayam percik, kueh bendera (kueh lapis), karipap hangit, ayam golek Nara, air bandung, Jus soli mangga, korang cube ‘blur-blur’-kan sikit pakai photoshop. Senang je, bukak Photoshop, lepas tu tekan Filter > Blur > Average. Tak de orang terliur, tak de dose, kan?

* * * End * * *

That felt weird, but I think I managed to imitate someone’s style of posting.

All of the above never took place, except for the A’sar at Mosque Imam, who’s a Hafiz, 23 years old. To all the names mentioned above, kalau terase, pergilah suruh awek korang pujuk. Kalau tade awek, cari bantal busuk, guling-gulinglah atas katil.

ps: To that blogger, no heart feelings ok? I’m just messing around.

pss: Guess who’s the blogger!

psss: Today is 09/09/09, I’m starting a theme company and Muhammad is sitting for Math Paper 1 UPSR (hope he does well)

Suara Romantis?

NoktahHitam — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 21:03:33 +0000

I know for a fact that my singing voice sucks. IF I were that good, I’d join AF and make instant cash like I make instant noodles; Good, Easy and Bad for Health.

Like most guys, my voice is deep and bassy. But when MK says my voice is romantic, it triggered me, “ini sarcasm ke compliment?”

Someone once told me, if I can’t make money making web, I should become a radio DJ. And just for her, I introduced a few songs (mostly being All-American Rejects) while we’re on Skype. “HAHAHA, sebijik macam depan Kamdar!”

ps: Checkout the link above. A review of Nokia 5800

pss: Thank God it’s still Wednesday.