Am I Fat ? How To Correctly Answer

Girls cannot refrain themselves from asking this typical question. Often, when addressed to a guy, it’d be a definitive death wish. You answer wrongly, you get a pinch. You answer correct, you get an excessive compulsion(berleter). Either way, you are doomed. So how you do answer correctly?

I’m the type of guy who holds strongly to my stand. “Be honest, no matter how much it’ll hurt”. Although I have to say, this isn’t an admirable logic to hang on to, it does saves me from the trouble of listening to unnecessary nag.You don’t believe me? Ok, I’ll give you some answers I’ve tried.

Girl R: Am I fat?
NoktahHitam: No-lah, ok ok only.
Girl R: Oh really? I was thinking of loosing weight. And you know with all this open house ..bla bla bla.. (I lost her there)

That’s what you get for playing safe, a big fat nag. Seriously girl, if you want to lose weight, bring bottled water to open houses. Excuse yourself from food tasting, it can be addictive.

Girl J: Do you think I’m fat?
NoktahHitam: No. You looked thinner.
Girl J: Really? I’m on this new product call XxX, it helps shave some fat while .. bla bla bla.. I also go to gym .. bla (not interested.. ok?)

That’s what you get for sucking up. I said “thinner” because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Turns out, she’s hurting mine by pushing her Multi Level products.

Girl T: Do you think I’m fat?
NoktahHitam: Yes you are.
Girl T: It’s about time I go back to gym. You see, I don’t have time after work .. bla bla .. (please, I’m not your blog)

Being honest hurts too, especially if you don’t know how to deviate the answer.

What you can do is be brutally honest. It’ll likely to stun them, or at least enough for them to change the topic. So how do I answer?

Girl Z: Do you think I’m fat?
NoktahHitam: Of course you are. You look like a cow in tights.
Girl Z: You’re mean!
NoktahHitam: Obviously. Thanks for asking.

Being me, I’m always cruel in my own ways

If you can’t answer, remember your standard 1 class banner, “Silence is Golden” or you can fake an epilepsy, just make sure there aren’t any doctors around (unless cute ones).

ps: I guess it depends on what the girl wants to hear.

pss: Girls, don’t ask boys how you look like, because we use Jessica Alba, Elisha Cuthbert and Marie Digby as our benchmark.

psss: Open houses ends this week! Horray~ I will write why I hate them.

Killer Love Tag

Before you further read this, I just want you to know, I’m writing this not to pour my heart out nor I’m trying to brag. I believe in honest writing, so that’s what I’ll do.

Apparently Smaelz83 tagged me, let’s see how transparent I can be.

1. How many time have you been in love?
I’ve been in 13 relationships and fallen in love once. The L word doesn’t struck me so often.

2. 3 songs that make you remind of her?
Only 1 song that reminds me of her, Fenix TX - Tearjerker. you can listen to it in my Tape section.

3. What is the romantic thing that you do for her, or she do for you?
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Why I Use PSS and not PPS

I’m the kind of guy who’s firm with grammar (although I can’t deny my grammar isn’t that perfect). Often I’ve been corrected of the pss I left in my postings.

PS - post scriptum is Latin. What comes after that should be pps, post postscript or pre postscript (as some would put it). But I use pss and so forth.

I’m going to tell you why but it’ll be lengthy, so, if you hate reading a melancholy story, press Alt + F4 or Windows, U and U. Else, after the jump. (more…)

The Contigency Plan

I was out on a date with ehem (let’s keep it discreet ok). She starts talking about her assignment and how her 1Gb was insufficient to store her work.

She’s actually throwing signal for a quick stop at Lowyat. It was peak hours, we all know how stupid it’d be to crash that place now. So I asked her to dig in my bag and trade with me (4Gb).

Student Girl: What is this cotton thingy? a hanky?
NoktahHitam: That’s my under garment.
Student Girl: Eeeeeuuuwww.
NoktahHitam: It’s my contingency plan.
Student Girl: In case I turn into Hulk and made you crap your pants?
NoktahHitam: Nope.
Student Girl: Then what is your contingency plan?
NoktahHitam: In case you forgot your tampons or pads.
Imaginable steam released from her head. Right back at ya

It’s becoming a worriying habit. Everytime when I’m done with my oval office, I question the cleanliness of my garment. It’s always a good thing to bring spare. Like I said, it’s my contigency plan. Do you have one?

ps: I have heavy flow pads in the trunk. You know, in case.

pss: Business call it contigency, IT call it back up, Engineer calls it redundant. What ever you call it, it’s the same shit.

Assalamualaikum and Pick Up Line

Muslims are obligated to reply a salam. However, I find it rather strange when girls give me ‘that’ look.

I was walking along the Ramadhan Bazaar, I passed some random chick and conveyed my salam. They gave me ‘that’ look, the WTF look. Note, random, not just pretty and hot ones.

I did not asked for their name. Nor did I asked for their telephone number. Just a simple ‘Assalamualaikum’, no and is not harassing at all.

I wore a decent white T and blue jeans, far from the cries of a liberating street rapist, who’d pull girls off the sidewalk and rape them in the back alley, with ‘hamsters’ (rats) witnessing the deflowering.

Come on, I look better than that. You and I know it.

So if a salam is unanswered, what other ways to say hi for fun?

“Hi, you have a nice rack!”, would certainly land me slap. Most definitely.

“Hi, you’re cute, what’s your number?” too direct, scares me too.

“Hi, you a doctor? My sudden protracted cardiac arrhythmia makes me think I’m falling for you”, very rare to bump into doctors unless I’m somewhere around Medical School.

“Hi, I’d like to be more than just your brother in Islam”, not much kick to it.

Then I shall resort to my last pick up line, “Hi, I need to break my fast. Can I have a date?”

Oh well.

ps: So girls, what best way to say hi for no reason?

My Nyayi, My Dear Grand Ma

I am a proud Javanese descendant. My dad was originally a Singaporean, so is my late grand dad and grand ma. “Nya - yee” it’s grand-ma in Javanese (or so I believe), something like nenek, tok or wan.

The story is, she’s staying at my house for the week and it puzzles her, what do I do for living? I’m always upstairs, never wore work attire and wake up late in the afternoon.

To her, modern work can only be in two forms, work for government or in construction business. She could never see beyond that. To make matters worst, she’s illiterate. So it’s always hard convincing a skeptical old woman.

I’ve wrote before how I fooled my tok wan on blogspot, I call that vengeance. This one is totally different.

Nyayi: What do you do for living?
NoktahHitam: I build web.
Nyayi: What is that?
NoktahHitam: It’s something you use on a computer.
Nyayi: What is a computer?
NoktahHitam: It’s like a tv, but you get to do many things with it.
Nyayi: So what do you do for living?

At this point, I’m not sure of how to explain to her anymore. It’s way beyond her comprehension and seriously, no pun intended.

NoktahHitam: I make pictures & I write letters and people pay me.
Nyayi: So the government pays you?
NoktahHitam: Nope. My client, shop owners…
Nyayi: Ohh.. your job must be easy then.
NoktahHitam: I guess so.
Nyayi: Why are you at home?
NoktahHitam: So you won’t be alone in the house.

Nyayi, you’re the sweetest lady in the house, hats off. I love you and missing you already (and that special someone).

ps: Please refrain yourself from mocking my grand ma. I’ll haunt you to death  

Your Miss Malaysia, Levy Li Su Lin

Enough bitching about who sodomized who and I’ve had it with Malaysian politic. I will be writing about it on a lower capacity or shall cease, if my tempted wicked mind permits.

Anyway, let me present to you, Miss Malaysia 2008. Watch the video.

Here’s some excerpts (comments) published at YouTube.

• Yaaake..shut up..disguuusssting
• hey, whats up with the accent??
• Is she a transsexual?
• do you think we are bunch of kindergarten kids?

Frankly speaking, I’d prefer Hannah Tan anytime.

We have a stupido PM, who called bloggers, traitors. And a weird girl for Miss Malaysia both to partake in this ‘thing’ we call globalisation. Still not ashamed you’re Malaysian? She’s your miss Malaysia, not mine.

Note to all Malaysian girls: it’s never about looks, it’s about brains.

ps: Pun intended. So buckle up.

pss: Both of them probably suffer from brain damage.